Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
