just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
