Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
