I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
