Pappa wants mamma naked
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
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