There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I came so hard my ears popped.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
