Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
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