Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Randomize
