It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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