I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
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