My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
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