I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
