We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
