Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Randomize
