she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
that may or may not have been my penis.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
