Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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