why didn't you poke me back
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
There are leaves in my underwear?
Randomize
