i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
