We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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