I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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