Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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