Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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