so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
