I wanna put my baby in that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ew you even made it your fb status
Ppl probably think ur having a kid
I hope
Love having children with random chicks
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
