Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Maybe she gives good head
A girl who still calls a dick a "wiener"cannot possibly give good head
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
