I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
