the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
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