Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
she pinky promised me she was 18
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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