who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Randomize
