How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Hahaha, sighhhh...I texted him to no response. It's a shame, really...I would gladly exchange my body for pizza rills.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize
