apparently the secret to your success is patron
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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