Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.�
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
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