grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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