u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Randomize
