OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
