My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
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