I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Randomize
