Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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