I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Randomize
