ya dads aren't the best wingmen
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Randomize
