my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
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