i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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