That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
