He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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