i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
