happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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