he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Randomize
