Honestly there's alot of things I'm confused about the only thing I know for certain about last night is that I ate pizza
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Randomize
