I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
You don't make any sense
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