How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
be right there i have to get my cape
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
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